Eat Better Bread and Get a Llama: An Unofficial Guide to Adulting

You’re in your early to mid-twenties, recently graduated school, landed a decent job, and are now a “young professional.” Congratulations! You have the title, now it’s time to act the part. If you feel like you’re just smiling and nodding while your sweater-clad friends talk about their favourite cheese and compare accountants, this article’s for you. Here are a few handy tips to ensure no one ever mistakes you for a grubby university student ever again. Don’t screw this up!

Learn How To Cook

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Ever look inside your fridge and find a can of beer, some soy sauce, and something that looks like it was once a cucumber? Surviving on takeout and eating out all the time will greatly increase your chances of a swift and untimely demise, especially if you decide to take a chance on that cucumber (don’t do it!). Get a basic cookbook like Jamie Oliver’s 15 Minute Meals, dust off your apron, maybe watch a couple of episodes of Chef’s Table on Netflix to really get inspired, and dive in! Cooking is elemental. You’re transforming raw foods into something that’s fundamentally different and hopefully edible in the same way that your ancestors have been doing it for thousands of years. If you hear the distant howls of wolves as you whip up that risotto, it could either be your hungry roommates, a sign of the imminent apocalypse, or you’re doing something right.

Buy Better Bread

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Your metabolism doesn’t hang around forever, and extra pounds will linger like institutional racism. Learn how to make a decent grocery list to match your newfound passion for cooking. It took me 6 months to stop buying the cheap bread that tastes and feels like soft packing foam. When I stepped up to something that cost just a dollar more it felt like I was inhaling fluffy flavourful clouds baked in the morning sun shining on Mount Fuji. Buy lots of vegetables. And eat them. Also exercise once in a while ya couch potato.

Get Houseplants

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Ever wonder why your parents have all these plants lying around the house? Well they’re goddamn adults and that’s what they do. Don’t buy into all that hype about plants “producing oxygen so the house breathes better”- that one aunt who believes in the healing power of gemstones. There is a high likelihood the houseplant industry is behind this particular décor trend and profiting handsomely. But for real—creating a nice space at home will make gearing up for the long fight that lies ahead so much easier. You don’t want to walk in to find a pile of dirty dishes and a weird musty smell that’s incredibly hard to track down. You’re better than that.

Throw lots of Dinner Parties

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We’re getting to a point in our lives when we (regrettably) have to start throwing dinner parties. Being the mastermind behind a great event is a sure-fire way to win the hearts and minds of your friends. Wow them with your newly acquired cooking abilities and blow their brains with your decorative panache. Leave hitting last call at the local watering hole to funemployed undergrads who have nothing better to do the next day. You’ve got a protest to attend, you productive adult!

Pro tip: Get a Llama! Yung $ocialite—entertainer, media mogul, llama breeder, and currently the premier authority on lavi$h dinner parties, has it on good authority that a llama makes the ideal dinner companion. They’re extremely friendly, a great conversational piece, and you can harvest a lot of wool to pull over your guests’ eyes.

Use Lots of Buzzwords

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When people ask you what you do, say things like “I’m leveraging my skillset to make a holistic difference to how people dry-clean fezzes in Morroco,” or “I’m using a disruptive and innovative approach to fix wolves.” Keep words like “optimizing,” “hacking,” and “growth-mindset” up your sleeve. Aside from alternative facts, it’s a sure-fire way to ensure that everyone around you thinks you know EXACTLY what you’re doing.

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