“Corporations are people too”
BY FRANK RUSSO (@ComedyRusso)
There was a major wedding last month that has the business, political, and LGBT communities buzzing.
Tim Hortons and Burger King finally tied the knot.
Not since the decree “Corporations are people too” has there been a more high-profile gay corporate wedding, and Wall Street traders have been quick to boast the free market’s ability to push social progress.
“It was beautiful,” says Mike Bochey, a stock trader at F&U Global. “There was so much red tape and restrictions when the idea first emerged, but luckily the free market is a welcoming community to new and open-minded ideas.”
However, not every group is excited in a positive way.
In a strange turn of events, the LGBT community and anti same-sex marriage advocate groups find themselves aligned against the merger, though for entirely opposite reasons.
“This has nothing to do with same-sex marriage,” explains Pamela Lecuyer, spokesperson for the local LGBT community, “but if corporations are people too, then we want Tim Hortons and Burger King to face the same struggles any LGBT couple would.”
When asked to clarify her position, Mrs. Lecuyer stated 3 basic oppositions.
1. The merger was done for tax purposes. Until these same tax breaks are offered to all same-sex couples, they should not apply to corporations.
2. Their insurance better stay separate. If a lesbian couple can’t share health insurance benefits, neither should Tim Hortons and Burger King.
3. Until all same-sex “mergers” are recognized by every state, this shouldn’t be either.
And that’s where the LGBT community finds themselves strangely aligned with anti same-sex marriage advocates.
“This is an abomination!” says the Wrong Hole Institute Against Same-Sex Marriage president, Pete Douglas.
“Allowing these two male corporations to merge sends the wrong message. First it’s two fast food chains, next it’ll be Wendy’s and Little Debbie’s. Then you’re on a slippery slope to inter-species mergers like McDonald’s and Purina. This is not what God wanted.”
[pullquote]”There’s a reason they eloped to Canada to make this happen,” explains Mrs. Clifford. “Everyone knows Canada is a godless wasteland.”[/pullquote]
Meagan Clifford of the Don’t Run With Scissors: Advocates Against Lesbianism group shared similar concerns against the merger.
“There’s a reason they eloped to Canada to make this happen,” explains Mrs. Clifford. “Everyone knows Canada is a godless wasteland.”
When we explained to Mrs. Clifford that the merger was primarily a business and finance deal between the two fast-food chains, she was quick to dismiss the notion.
“Have you ever googled the term ‘doughnut puncher’? I rest my case.”
With the Tim Hortons and Burger King merger already completed, Wall Street has no interest in the ongoing opposition against the deal. When asked about the outrage towards the merger, Mr. Bochey was at a loss for explanation.
“It’s two entities merging to operate a better existence together. I don’t see how this is anyone else’s business outside the two involved.”