Report: Afterlife Nothing Like Advertised

BY FRANK RUSSO (@ComedyRusso)

“I’d make the best of what you have now, because you’re going to be quite disappointed when you get there.”

That is the advice given by Michael Gibbons, who recently experienced eternity after poorly hung Christmas lights fell into his eggnog, leaving him legally dead for 15 minutes.

“There’s gum everywhere,” explains Mr. Gibbons, “and when you ask about the gum, everyone’s like ‘who gets to heaven and wants to clean up gum? It’s heaven, do whatever you want.'”

While the gum situation was a small damper on his experience, there was a much larger problem Mr. Gibbons was unprepared for.

“Everyone’s kind of a dick,” he says. “You see interpretations on TV and movies where everyone’s so peaceful and nice, but when you get there it’s a bunch of assholes on jet skis splashing people trying to mind their own business.”

Mr. Gibbons understands why people may be hesitant to believe his story; the experience wasn’t what he expected either. However, he does offer some insight as to how things came to be that way.

“It makes sense if you think about it,” he explains. “In heaven you can have anything you ever wanted. Have you ever met someone who got everything they every wanted? They’re usually pricks.”

Since speaking out about his experience, Mr. Gibbons has been contacted by others who’ve shared similar revelations.

One of those people is Elisha Smythe, who, after driving 80km/h in the passing lane, was driven off the road by a good Samaritan and pronounced legally dead for 20 minutes before paramedics revived her.

[pullquote]”Hell’s actually not that bad,” says Mrs. Smythe. “It could be considered an up and coming neighbourhood.”
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However, it was not heaven where Mrs. Smythe found herself.

“Hell’s actually not that bad,” says Mrs. Smythe. “It could be considered an up and coming neighbourhood.”

Claims such as these have drawn the ire of many religious institutions, though none have been able to refute Mrs. Smythe’s explanation when logically considered.

“Hell is really based on what people consider ‘bad’,” explains Mrs. Smythe. “Everyone thinks of Hell as fire, torture, labour, et cetera. But that was back when those were the realities of life. Now it’s just a place without Wi-Fi.”

When asked about Lucifer, Mrs. Smythe painted a much different picture than many have come to assume.

“I’m sure there was a time where he was a brutal torturer of souls, but people have become so soft recently, it doesn’t take much to do his job. It’s hard to maintain his reputation when feeding people gluten is considered unbearable torture.”

Even the landscape of Hell has changed, creating a neighbourhood feel.

“Nobody has anything in Hell,” Mrs. Smythe explains. “So it’s not like anyone has an ego. They all get along, share what they have. They even built a volleyball court by the lake of fire. People with nothing really know how to make the best of a bad situation.”

With Mrs. Smythe’s glowing reviews of Hell angering religious institutions, many have asked Mr. Gibbons to highlight some of the positives from his experience in Heaven, only to be disappointed.

“Heaven’s full,” explains Mr. Gibbons. “Eternity was converted into a divided and gated community long ago.”

When asked how that’s even possible, Mr. Gibbons simply replies: “When you can have anything you ever wanted, eventually all you want is what someone else can’t have.”