Study: Anti-Marijuana Ads Increase Sales
BY FRANK RUSSO (@ComedyRusso)
Canadian drug dealers have one thing to say about government anti-marijuana ads.
The Canadian government has launched a new anti-marijuana campaign to the delight of drug dealers across Canada who say the new ads have business booming.
“I haven’t seen sales like these since the Blink 182 concert of 2003,” claims one anonymous dealer. “I used to give this shit away when making other sales, now I cant keep it in stock. It’s great.”
The Canadian government decided to start its anti-marijuana campaign despite recent public opinion’s sway towards legalization, and widespread acceptance of the social drug as safe and harmless. Experts say the combination of acceptance and aggressive anti-marijuana campaigning has brought a re-energized curiosity to the most common of experimented drugs.
“Everybody knows what marijuana is. Everybody,” explains Tom Dooby, head of marketing research at the Notareal Institute. “Pot, weed, grass—whatever you refer to it as, everyone knows what you’re talking about. Marijuana is already so ingrained into our society, running anti-marijuana campaigns merely reminds people who’ve moved on from their weed phase that it’s still around.”
Even the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have spoken out about the waste of resources that are anti-marijuana campaigns.
“They’re wasting money that could be going to mental healthcare,” says one officer. “What’s more concerning? The guy waving his dick at everyone on a bus, or a kid high in their apartment watching wrestling?”
[pullquote]’Marijuana has become 300-400% stronger in the last 30 years.’ That’s like saying, ‘Hey, remember that thing you loved and had so much fun with when you were young? Well it’s gotten even better!'[/pullquote]
While there’s debate over whether anti-marijuana ads are effective or not, the increase in sales has government officials questioning their approach.
“We did everything we normally do,” says one official. “Distorted facts, intense imagery, pretended like we’re trying to help. If marijuana had ever actually killed someone they’d be thanking us.”
However, experts believe it’s those exact reasons marijuana sales have skyrocketed.
“Those ads are the best legal advertisements for marijuana I’ve ever seen,” says Tom Dooby, with a laugh. “‘Marijuana has become 300-400% stronger in the last 30 years.’ That’s like saying, ‘Hey, remember that thing you loved and had so much fun with when you were young? Well it’s gotten even better!'”
Even our drug dealer has noticed a shift in clientele.
“I used to sell mainly to college kids, but now their parents are stopping me on the way out to try this new and improved weed,” claims our anonymous dealer. “Even the coke and MDMA crowd are coming back to weed. In today’s economy, spending $200 on blow and another $150 on booze just isn’t feasible. Getting high and staying in is the new frugal way to party.”
When asked how they intend to enforce this new focus on anti-marijuana, the RCMP spokesperson simply laughed at the notion.
“While there are many tales of police officers seizing young peoples marijuana, the RCMP can proudly say there isn’t a single documented case where an officer has returned small amounts of marijuana to the precinct for disposal.”
While its good times for marijuana right now, our dealer is quick to point out drugs are a flavor of the month industry.
“It’s great for now. I love dealing weed, its always friendly and relaxed, but it will fade out eventually. The only thing you can do is enjoy it while it lasts. You might see a small increase in kids calling themselves ‘dealers’, but until a 37-year-old man with rotted teeth offers to blow you behind a drug store for a small hit of meth, you’re not really dealing drugs.”