Town Bans Charter of Rights and Freedoms

BY FRANK RUSSO (@ComedyRusso)

The town of Birdbuzz, Alberta, sent shockwaves across the nation today as local councillors celebrate a historic 7-0 bylaw vote banning the Charter of Rights and Freedoms from the county.

“This is such a liberating day,” explains councillor Bundy. “Finally the residents of Birdbuzz can experience true freedom.”

This is not the first time Birdbuzz’s bylaws have been in the news. The county has seen several former bylaws struck down by both provincial and federal courts, including:

  • banning atheism, yellow cars, and dentistry
  • replacing dodge ball in elementary schools with weapons training
  • “Christian’s only” parking spaces
  • making three-point shots illegal in high school basketball
  • 7 p.m. to 6 a.m. curfew for anyone not wearing suspenders.

“We would make common sense laws and the fat cats in Ottawa would push back with their oppressive ‘Charter of Rights and Freedoms’, whatever that is,” says Councillor Bundy. “So I thought, why don’t we just ban that?”

[pullquote]”The Charter is our social contract, the basic rules of living here. You can’t just opt out.”[/pullquote]

So they did, and while the story has garnered nationwide attention, no one is really worried.

“You can’t ban the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, it’s a clear and obvious rule,” says Janet Smith from the Justice Department. “The Charter is our social contract, the basic rules of living here. You can’t just opt out.”

Asked why town councillors would think they could ban the Charter, Mrs. Smith says “good education is expensive while stupidity is cheap and abundant. To be fair though, we did let them keep the ban on yellow cars and three-pointers.”

This reality hasn’t stopped councillors from planning for the future though, releasing new bylaw proposals for next week including: Christian’s only elevators, banning all non-country music, no birthday parties of two or more people, forbidding locals from travelling outside city lines, and the implementation of weekly house searches for prohibited religious affiliations.

“It may not last forever,” proclaims Mr. Bundy, “but at least the residents of Birdbuzz will know what real freedom feels like. No longer worrying about where to live, what to like, or how to act. They’ll finally be free to live the way we want them to.”

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