Look at Joe Keery. On the left, he is stable. Left Joe Keery is who you want to be. On the right, he has made the plunge that many of us fall prey to as soon as the hopeful light of a new year blinds us all—getting bangs. If you find yourself in the same position as Joe, wondering if you too should get bangs, just know the answer is no. The answer is always no. If for some reason you look at Joe and still want to get bangs, consider this list of five things to do to save yourself from making the detrimental cut.
1. Dye your hair
It’s not hard to piece together why you want to cut your bangs. The season is changing. What once was, no longer is. Maybe your relationship just ended. Maybe you started a new job. Or maybe, you just need change. We can sympathize. The best way to achieve that kind of physical change is to dye your hair with semi-permanent dye. All the change without the long-term commitment! Four to six weeks later and you’ll be back to your roots, exactly where you wanted to be in the first place, minus the painful regrowth process that you’d suffer through if you had cut your bangs.
2. Watch a Zooey Deschanel movie
This may seem counterintuitive, seeing as Zooey Deschanel rocks bangs like no other. One could argue that she is the Queen of Bangs, but after watching 500 Days of Summer, you won’t want to be associated with a haircut that destroyed an innocent man looking for true love (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, we see you and we love you).
3. Call your best friend
There’s no one in the world that would love to tell you just how wrong you are more than your best friend. So, if you get the bang-itch, call them. Open the conversation with “should I get bangs?” and listen to them rattle off all the reasons why you’d be ruining your life and your shot at true love, all in one fell swoop [cut]. After the phone call, rage about how they always think you’re wrong, but then thank them when you see that one girl you went to high school with post a new photo of her bangs and think, “Thank god I didn’t make that mistake.”
4. Go to a party
This may be the most practical thing to do if you want to truly convince yourself not to get bangs. Think about the process of getting ready for a social gathering. You have to shower. You have to shave your legs. You have to pick an outfit. You have to do your makeup. You have to convince yourself that going to said social gathering is actually worth it and refrain from cancelling on your friends. Now, imagine that amid all that chaos, you add “style your bangs” to the routine. You might as well send that cancel text right now because we all know you’re not going to style your bangs. How does one even properly style their bangs? It’s time consuming and frustrating, especially when that one piece of hair is determined to go in its unassigned direction, no matter how much heat and product you throw at it. Save yourself the hassle and simplify your going-out routine. You’ll thank yourself later.
5. Go to bed
No matter what time of the day it is, whether an early morning identity crisis, or a late-night Google images search of Dakota Johnson and Jane Birkin, just close your eyes. Sleep on it. Trust that when you wake up, any desire to cut your bangs will be gone and all sense of sanity restored. Now if only Joe Keery had taken a nap…teenage hearts would still be intact.