BY FRANK RUSSO (@ComedyRusso)
The 2015 campaign trail just became a whole lot more interesting. By popular demand, Elections Canada has added a talent show portion to the federal election debate.
“Recent voter turnout has not been good,” explains Tim Donut of Elections Canada. “The Canadian government has always been open to innovation, and with the success of talent shows such as American Idol and Canada’s Got Talent, we thought, ‘why not politics?'”
While controversial, the new addition to the debates has sparked a renewed interest in the national election.
“I think it’s wonderful,” says Allanah Smith from North Bay, Ontario. “Politicians are no different than Miss Universe contestants if you think of it. Short and vague pandering answers, rely heavily on catchy three-word slogans. Why not see if they can juggle?”
Charles Woods of St. Johns, New Brunswick, was also excited for the new format.
“Why not?” explains Mr. Woods. “I don’t see how watching a politician spin plates is any less useful than arguing about abortion for the millionth time.”
And with national excitement came the debate.
[pullquote]Politicians are no different than Miss Universe contestants if you think of it. Short and vague pandering answers, rely heavily on catchy three-word slogans. Why not see if they can juggle? [/pullquote]
First up was the Conservative candidate, who, to the shock and horror of the live audience, attempted to display their superior budget cutting techniques by literally skinning cats in more ways than one. They then triumphantly held the carcasses to the sky and proclaimed “Together we can do this!”
After the stage was cleaned and grief councillors finished with those still traumatized came the Liberal candidate.
While starting strong by impressing the audience with an array of magic tricks, the show took an abrupt turn when the candidate presented a gun before shooting themself in the foot. With the audience confused, the candidate was able to win them back by remarkably riding a unicycle with a bullet wound. The candidate then presented the gun again before the grand finale of shooting themself in the other foot.
Eager to display their goals for social change, the Green Party candidate impressed audience members by rolling the world’s largest peace symbol joint using only the pages of the most recent omnibus bill. They then offered to share with their rivals, with the NDP and Liberal candidates obliging. Both candidates later claimed they did not inhale.
Last but not least, The NDP candidate juggled flaming chainsaws to the delight of the live audience. Many speculate this was to symbolize the party’s current image: It looks fun and makes no sense.
With no clear winner and twitter buzzing with interest in Canadian politics, Elections Canada could not be happier, adopting the format for all future national debates.
“Every debate has a different winner depending what paper you read or what channel you watch,” explains Mr. Donut. “At least Canadians know talent when they see it.”
Editor’s Note: The Libertarian candidate did participate in the talent show. However, they were promptly disqualified and ejected from the debates after rival candidates unanimously agreed that hooking your testicles to a car battery while screaming “There is but one God!” is not a talent.