Christ Returns, Runs For President, Loses in Landslide

BY FRANK RUSSO (@ComedyRusso)

It’s finally happened! After centuries of waiting, Jesus Christ returned to earth and immediately set his sights on the most powerful position of influence in the world: President of the United States.

And that’s when things went horribly wrong.

In a glorious display of political novice, Christ was unable to connect with his target demographic at every stop on the Republican primary trail, leaving pundits to question whether Jesus miscalculated who his followers are.

In Iowa, the return of Christ was met with great fanfare. Holding his own in the debates, things quickly went south for Jesus when it was discovered he had spent the day at a local hospital healing the sick. Smelling blood, his competitors worked quickly to paint Christ as pro-Obamacare. Jesus lost by 37 points to the candidate campaigning to abolish healthcare entirely and enact survival of the fittest.

Looking to recover on home turf, Christ focused on Texas.

Jesus Chasing the Merchants from the Temple
Jesus Chasing the Merchants from the Temple. Quentin Matsys. 16th Century.

While wooing the megachurch audience with anecdotes of drinking with the apostles, and mentioning how trucks were his idea, Christ appeared to have it won before tragically recalling the time he threw the market out of the temple. This lead to accusations of wealth redistribution from his rivals before Christ was labelled a socialist and boo’d off the stage. Christ would lose to the candidate running on Second Amendment rights for fetuses by 28 points.

Battered but not broken, Jesus would need a miracle in Arizona.

Sticking mainly to comments about infrastructure, Christ was able to build momentum before falling to a “gotcha” question on immigration. With little fight left, Jesus attempted a Hail Mary, calling on residents to “love thy neighbour.” Christ was defeated soundly by the candidate campaigning for alligators and an electric boarder fence.

Sadly, Christ was unable to complete the campaign trail.

Before the final debate, Christ was arrested for feeding the homeless in Florida. After being released on bail, Jesus announced his resignation from the race. Exhausted and agitated, Christ was quoted as sarcastically saying, “I get why my dad’s slowly sinking this place.”

Featured Image: And Jesus Wept. 2008. Crimsonedge34. CC-BY.

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