BY FRANK RUSSO (@ComedyRusso)
Detroit is no longer bankrupt; General Motors is.
In a radical move from the automaker, GM purchased Detroit, which is currently filed under bankruptcy protection as a city. After purchasing the city and all of its debt, GM then turned around and declared bankruptcy themselves, prompting the Canadian and US federal governments to once again step in with a taxpayer-funded bailout.
“GM is a North American institution that provides thousands of jobs to Americans and Canadians,” explain GM officials. “Allowing us to go insolvent would be massively detrimental to those economies.”
Detroit began filing for bankruptcy protection in July of 2013, and has faced a variety of challenges, including at one time the possibility of cutting off municipal water and streetlights.
“Nobody cares,” claims one upset resident. “We’ve been bankrupt for over a year and everyone turned their backs on us, like it’s our fault all the industry was outsourced. We got no bailout, no help.”
After acquiring the city, GM walked down the hall of the courthouse and immediately filed for their own bankruptcy protection. Again.
[pullquote]”Turns out people were interested in buying safe, reliable vehicles. That took us by surprise.”[/pullquote]
“After the original bailout in 2008, we were excited to become competitive within the auto industry,” says one GM representative. “Turns out people were interested in buying safe, reliable vehicles. That took us by surprise.”
GM has recalled over 30.4 million vehicles in North America since 2013 for a variety of safety reasons, from faulty brakes to airbag failures. Most famously, 13 people have been confirmed deceased due to faulty ignition key springs.
“The faulty ignition should be considered trial and error,” explains the GM rep. “We knew they didn’t work but kept trying, hoping they might eventually. Luckily we have the 2008 bankruptcy protection to shield us from any prior legal liabilities, which was a definite plus for the company. Hopefully we can apply these same protections again to our current recalls.”
With Detroit allowed to wallow in insolvency without national support, many local officials were shocked to see GM receive financial aid so quickly.
“We’ve been calling for assistance for over a year, and we received not even so much as a returned phone call.” claims one upset official. “Every time we’d try and tell our story, inevitably somebody would start yelling about socialism. How is this any different?”
When asked for comment, state political leaders were quick to point out how helping GM is drastically different than helping Detroit.
[pullquote]”We’ve been calling for assistance for over a year, and we received not even so much as a returned phone call.”[/pullquote]
“This is America. We’re a Capitalist society, not Socialist. Helping Detroit would be no different than Marxist socialism. If they didn’t want to live in bankruptcy, they should have worked harder to stop GM from outsourcing most of its manufacturing.”
When asked about the new deal with GM, political officials were quick to pat themselves on the back.
“We saw an American business in trouble and worked diligently in a bipartisan effort to help keep that business alive. Today the legislative pen was the hero.”
Local residents were less impressed.
“This is like stealing someone else’s baby to get on a lifeboat,” says one resident.
When asked about the resentment from Detroit residents, political officials stated bluntly: “We saw an American company desperate for help, and as Americans, it’s our duty to help the needy. Corporations are people too, you know.”
Featured image courtesy of scottchan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net